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Sunny Day

By [REDACTED], September 04, 2015

It was a sunny day, not that I could be bothered to give a damn about things in the sky. I had my eyes on the prize and not much more. One way or another I was to end the day $0.15 richer.

You see, one must set goals for themselves. Goals that are difficult to reach. But not goals that are completely unreasonable. The goal of this particular day was to “make bank,” as those involved in gang-related crime on popular television series would say.

To be honest, I had this goal on my calendar for weeks ahead of time. I knew it would be difficult and would take plenty of preparation. Yet I procrastinated, I didn’t even recall this goal until the rare western wind blew through the cracks in my wall to relieve my calendar of the dust it had gathered.

“Damn,” I said aloud to myself when I noticed all of this. “Fuck shit fuck whore damn cunt it all to fuck hell,” I thought so loudly my neighbor started pounding on my wall and moaned with – presumably – anger. Obviously it was completely unnecessary for her to continue pounding on the wall for a solid half hour, but I waited for her to stop her complaining before proceeding with my plans for the day.

Step 1: Shower.

This is the easiest part of the day. Rick, my upstairs neighbor, is a plumber. Rick is also the nicest guy I ever met. Last week he and some of his buddies ran around in their ghost costumes and hung a weight from the pipe outside my window so I could use it to shower. It started stinking real bad a couple days ago, but it still works just fine for bathing. Just let the water dribble down my hair a little bit and head on my way.

Step 2: Wing it.

My plan ended there. I don’t know how one acquires so much money, but as my uncle Joe always said: “ye can’t do what ye can’t know not to never not do all day without doing not that.” Solid advice given from a solid man. (Uncle Joe eats 5mg of iron every day to make himself even more solid).

Nonetheless, I set out on my journey. I was going to make it big that day. I lit the honorary torch of the endeavor and stepped out of my apartment. As I walked into the hall, I noticed a glint off in the distance: coinage! There, down the hall were a nickel and a dime! The gods had blessed me!

I dropped the honorary torch where I stood and darted to the monies to claim them as my own before any others could. The victory bells rang as the crown cheered me on, spraying water every which way to celebrate my accomplishment of my one true goal for the day.

I was a hero.

Even the cops that showed up wanted to meet me.

Over all, good day.