This is a collection of
.txt files that aren’t long enough to rationalize each
being archived on its own. About half of the files of this sort were written in
these two days. Files in alphabetical order:
hey, again its me hello, friend y did u call me friend isnt that wat u wanted? i mean,,, mb? did u think that aligning every other paragraph to the left would make you feel any less alone? no,,, well,,, mb i did, idk i just felt like i needed to express myself in a concrete way n i like .txt files for when i feel confused all the .md files here theyre organized planned out thought out but these files,,, its like im trying to let it flow idk mb i am just rambling is rambling not what u wanted did u have a plan at all yes i planned to write but i didnt feel like coming up with some fiction i feel too lonely n depressed n disconnected n anxious but wouldnt fiction let you connect to something even if its made up something inside yrself but also outside no. no. no. no. it wouldnt. id feel more alone. id get lost. id hate myself. but ur already alone. ur already lost. u already hate yrself. shut up
i cant breathe yes u can but i dont want to its annoying to have to do something something so menial n repetetive boring yet necessary it isnt hard just do it but i can stop ive stopped its relaxing not to
oh r u worried abt me? did i do something to worry u? yes. what what did i do? it's these files theyre sick, twisted frankly im scared of/for you it's a bit late don't you think? what? how is it too late you haven't done any of this,,, have you? no. none of this is about me how could it? thats the whole fucking point i cant do any of it i *need* to do it i want to die i thought u were scared of death i am then why do u want to die if u r so scared of it y do u keep begging for it? bc my entire life is a constant downhill n i need to change it but everything i do makes it worse if i do nothing it also gets worse ffs we elected a fascist let's not get political it isn't political this is abt survival u say i shouldnt want to die but is that bc u care or is it bc u want me to suffer do u think that i deserve it ?
hello hi how are you today? im alright, i guess 'alright?' well, i want to die i dont want to be here life has become more a hassle than its worth oh? its just that im exhausted you see i wake up tired i sleep all day n i also never sleep but im always tired i dont get it are u always sleeping? or are u never sleeping? yes. that isnt an answer it is u asked an annoying question life is annoying i want to die will you kill me? no. im not going to kill anyone n ur not going to die
i want her to hug me or choke me or fuck me or strangle me i dont really care what she does to me i just want her to do something to be here i dont want to be alone i want to pin her down never let her go i just want to hug her i want to tie her down wrap her hands in a red rope maybe black,,, is red too cliché? is she even real? no. well,,, sort of she does exist but she isn't who i think she is she is nowhere near she was just like me i could predict what she would do it was easy bc she thought like i did but more consistent she was me but better at it
i promise i swear i swear to god i guess i dont believe in any gods except you so i swear upon my obsession my belief in u as a god in my life i swear i wasnt it wasnt i didnt mean to scare you it wasnt a threat it wasnt even supposed to be directed _at_ you it wasnt a joke either it wasnt some obscure reference i was in pain n i wanted you i wanted you if anyone you to be the one that understood how much it hurts for me to be alive how much i feel like dying how on edge i am it was so long ago do you even remember does it matter either way im so sorry i hate myself n this only made me hate myself more
im scared to manipulate people ive always known that i could anyone has the capability if they put their mind to it and it scared the shit out of me i dont really get y probably bc i was really into this whole "illusion of choice" idea n i never wanted to be the one to take it away mb i just wanted to believe that i could control myself that none of the evil i believed i was could ever come true that i was just normal n that i would fit in n that if i didnt manipulate ppl they would appreciate me for it but its a catch 22 u cant not manipulate ppl well you can but u cant do so while talking to them ive been working on this cute little gravity thing it was originally just to make an animation possible bc i didnt want to manually animate it then try to force it to be more versatile to transition from any frame i figured it was easier to just make a physics engine it was really simple each moon said 'that planet is what i orbit' n they were only influenced by it as they intended but thats bullshit that was fake it was oversimplified ive been rewriting it bc life doesnt work like that everything influences everything the moon even influences the planet look at everyone favorite planet: pluto its basically in a binary system its influenced by its moon so much n that is how i imagine relationships a binary orbit nice n stable n ur together n u wouldnt know what to do apart if u start analyzing socialization when u think 'why am i talking' u start to rationalize it all 'im talking to this person bc they can help' 'we're working on this project together' 'i just want her to love me' n everything u say is tailored to that end if u agree on the goal then every trail off of the main conversation will be forced back in place because that is what the both of you want but if the goal is one sided then u gotta do it urself n if u dont then isnt the whole thing just a fucking waste to you? arent u wasting yr time? wasting yr effort? u gotta realize ALL SOCIALIZATION IS MANIPULATION its only sickening when u realize it but that doesnt make it all bad what u hate the 'manipulation' u were trying to avoid that isnt influence that isnt control what ur worried abt is destruction u dont want ppl controlling others in a way that only they benefit but what abt if i lose everything n u gain everything does that make u the bad guy or does it mean that i lost am i manipulating u w my failure? am i the bad guy?
u almost did it u almost cried look at u ur so close it's pathetic ur trying so hard y do u want to cry so much isnt it easier to just let yrself live like u have been not crying letting it all roll past you who gives a shit if u dont care does it matter? if u actually start crying now is it bc u r sad or r u reading these back to yrself n feeling pity for whoever wrote it pretending it wasnt u isnt that sick r u disgusted w urself? u look disgusted r u scared? who wrote these? did u? did somebody else? what does it mean,,, to be you. idk.
are you unsatisfied?
we moved here over the summer and obviously it was quite hot theres no air conditioning for the whole house so we needed to use the shitty air conditioner that was already here eventually our great uncle has a spare so we used that in one room n the old one in my room the north facing window in my room doesnt have a screen which was convenient for the sake of an ac unit there are three vents in my room the heat comes right on in we have no control over the heater so the neighbor can pump as much in as they want n i have 3 fucking vents my room also retains heat quite well n ive got these fucking computers here that just make all this fucking heat n i need to fucking open the windows in the middle of what should be winter but global warming so it feels like spring mid february but its absurd that i need to let in the winter air just to be able to sleep sometimes i look out my north facing window it faces some trees theres never really anyone in that area the area it faces but i can see outside w/o having to see any people there is a tire by the garage n some litter by the trees theres often a massive ice pool during the winter that is but something that i never really paid attention to theres a screen out there theres a fucking window screen on the ground right below my window i could have the north facing window open but no the fucking screen is down there on the fucking ground
i want to sleep y dont u? idk wat? idk y, i just dont but it is so easy u just gotta lay down look yr eyes are drooping uve got bags under yr eyes just sleep ffs no wat the hell? i dont want to but u _just_ said u wanted to idk im conflicted wat is there to be conflicted abt? everything it is just sleep everyone does it it is fine i feel like ill die like sleep is just beckoning death like if i force myself to sleep couldnt i just as easily force myself to die? no thats absurd totally irrational thats bullshit fuckin fite me i feel like i could die at any moment so shouldnt i just accept it? i mean, u could i dont see the harm in learning to accept death see, but do i want to? im still young why am i so sad? why cant i cry? r u writing these to make yrself depressed? r u trying to make yrself cry? yes. i think so. im only realizing it now.
i want her to sit on top of me n just fucking stab me i want her to look me in my eyes i want her to make me cry she was the last person to make me cry i havent cried since then it has been nearly two years since ive actually cried i want her to make me cry i want her to do it lay me down on the floor sit on my waist and just stab me repeatedly im trying to imagine how it feels to be stabbed i imagine a lot of stinging like a deep, pinpointed burning thered probably be a bit of shock like a delay in the feeling but if it was her id probably already be numb just from seeing her again shes not real she is not real she isnt real she is not real she used to be real she stopped being real she has nothing to do with it anymore i want her to stab me i want her to be with me im so alone pls kill me
im tired have u tried sleeping? yes did it fix anything? no i couldnt even sleep it was hot in my room i had a dream tell me abt this dream i dont understand it it made no sense ive been working on some things code and math-wise n i feel like thats what i dreamt i wasnt asleep completely i could feel myself being dragged awake by idk wat i was too hot i was following something focusing on it but it wasnt real it was dragging me i was being dragged it hurt mentally not physically i was numb physically i wasnt scared but i felt like i should be it was exhausting but you were sleeping? mb, idk is sleep exhausting? why is everything so,,, exhausting