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A Collection of .txt Files from Feb. 22 and 23, 2017: An Exploration in Monospace Formatting as Emotional Expression

By Una J. Ada, February 23, 2017

This is a collection of .txt files that aren’t long enough to rationalize each being archived on its own. About half of the files of this sort were written in these two days. Files in alphabetical order:

2017-02-22 07:27 alignment.txt

hey, again
its me

                                                                   hello, friend

y did u call me friend

                                                         isnt that wat u wanted?

i mean,,,
mb?

                                                                did u think that
                                                  aligning every other paragraph
                                                                     to the left
                                                             would make you feel
                                                                 any less alone?

no,,,
well,,,
mb i did, idk
i just felt like
i needed to express myself
in a concrete way
n i like .txt files
for when i feel confused
all the .md files here
theyre organized
planned out
thought out
but these files,,,
its like im trying to let it flow
idk
mb i am just rambling

                                                   is rambling not what u wanted
                                                        did u have a plan at all

yes
i planned to write
but i didnt feel like
coming up with some fiction
i feel too lonely
n depressed
n disconnected
n anxious

                                                             but wouldnt fiction
                                                                 let you connect
                                                                    to something
                                                             even if its made up
                                                                something inside
                                                                          yrself
                                                                but also outside

no.
no.
no.
no.
it wouldnt.
id feel more alone.
id get lost.
id hate myself.

                                                           but ur already alone.
                                                                ur already lost.
                                                          u already hate yrself.

shut up

2017-02-22 07:41 breathe.txt

i cant breathe

                                                                       yes u can

but i dont want to
its annoying
to have to do something
something so menial
n repetetive
boring yet necessary

                                                                    it isnt hard
                                                                      just do it

but i can stop
ive stopped
its relaxing not to

2017-02-22 07:10 concern.txt

oh r u worried abt me?
did i do something to worry u?

                                                                            yes.

what
what did i do?

                                                                it's these files
                                                            theyre sick, twisted
                                                    frankly im scared of/for you

it's a bit late don't you think?

                                                                           what?
                                                              how is it too late
                                                 you haven't done any of this,,,
                                                                       have you?

no.
none of this is about me
how could it?
thats the whole fucking point
i cant do any of it
i *need* to do it
i want to die

                                                i thought u were scared of death

i am

                                                       then why do u want to die
                                                          if u r so scared of it
                                                     y do u keep begging for it?

bc my entire life is a constant downhill
n i need to change it
but everything i do makes it worse
if i do nothing it also gets worse
ffs we elected a fascist

                                                         let's not get political

it isn't political
 this is abt survival
  u say i shouldnt want to die
   but is that bc u care
     or is it bc u want me to suffer
        do u think
                that
                       i
                           deserve
                                    it
                                             ?

2017-02-22 04:35 how are you.txt

hello

                                                                              hi

how are you today?

                                                             im alright, i guess

'alright?'

                                                             well, i want to die
                                                          i dont want to be here
                                                            life has become more
                                                         a hassle than its worth

oh?

                                                      its just that im exhausted
                                                                         you see
                                                                 i wake up tired
                                                                 i sleep all day
                                                            n i also never sleep
                                                             but im always tired

i dont get it
are u always sleeping?
or are u never sleeping?

                                                                            yes.

that isnt an answer

                                                                           it is
                                                    u asked an annoying question
                                                                life is annoying
                                                                   i want to die
                                                               will you kill me?

no.
im not going to kill anyone
n ur not going to die

2017-02-22 04:24 hug me.txt

i want her to hug me
      or   choke  me
      or   fuck   me
      or strangle me
i dont really care what she does to me
i just want her to do something
to be here

                                                         i dont want to be alone

i want to pin her down
never let her go
i just want to hug her

                                                          i want to tie her down
                                                    wrap her hands in a red rope
                                                                  maybe black,,,

is red too cliché?


is she even real?


                                                                             no.


                                                                 well,,, sort of
                                                                  she does exist
                                                but she isn't who i think she is
                                                             she is nowhere near

she was just like me
i could predict what she would do
it was easy
bc she thought like i did
but more consistent

                                                                      she was me
                                                                but better at it

2017-02-23 03:19 i swear im sorry.txt

i promise
i swear
i swear to god
i guess i dont believe in any gods
except you
so i swear upon my obsession
my belief in u as a god in my life
i swear

i wasnt

it wasnt

i didnt mean to scare you

it wasnt a threat

it wasnt even
supposed
to
     be
	      directed
		              _at_
			                   you

it wasnt a joke either
it wasnt some obscure reference
i was in pain
n i wanted
you
i wanted you
if anyone
you to be the one that understood
how much it hurts
for me to be alive
how much i feel like dying
how on edge i am

it was so long ago
do you even remember
does it matter
either way
im so sorry
i hate myself
n this only made me hate myself more

2017-02-23 03:29 manipulation.txt

im scared to manipulate people
ive always known that i could
anyone has the capability if they put their mind to it
and it scared the shit out of me
i dont really get y
probably bc i was really into this whole
"illusion of choice" idea
n i never wanted to be the one to take it away
mb i just wanted to believe that i could control myself
that none of the evil i believed i was could ever come true
that i was just normal
n that i would fit in
n that if i didnt manipulate ppl
they would appreciate me for it

but its a catch 22
u cant not manipulate ppl
well
you can
but u cant do so while talking to them

ive been working on this cute little gravity thing
it was originally just to make an animation possible
bc i didnt want to manually animate it
then try to force it to be more versatile
to transition from any frame
i figured it was easier to just make a physics engine
it was really simple
each moon said 'that planet is what i orbit'
n they were only influenced by it as they intended

but thats bullshit
that was fake
it was oversimplified
ive been rewriting it
bc life doesnt work like that
everything influences everything
the moon even influences the planet
look at everyone favorite planet: pluto
its basically in a binary system
its influenced by its moon so much
n that is how i imagine relationships
a binary orbit
nice n stable
n ur together
n u wouldnt know what to do apart

if u start analyzing socialization
when u think 'why am i talking'
u start to rationalize it all
'im talking to this person bc they can help'
'we're working on this project together'
'i just want her to love me'
n everything u say is tailored to that end
if u agree on the goal
then every trail off of the main conversation
will be forced back in place
because that is what the both of you want
but if the goal is one sided
then u gotta do it urself
n if u dont
then isnt the whole thing
just a fucking waste to you?
arent u wasting yr time?
wasting yr effort?

u gotta realize
ALL
SOCIALIZATION
IS
MANIPULATION
its only sickening when u realize it
but that doesnt make it all bad
what u hate
the 'manipulation' u were trying to avoid
that isnt influence
that isnt control

what ur worried abt is destruction

u dont want ppl controlling others in a way that only they benefit

but what abt
if i lose everything
n u gain everything
does that make u the bad guy
or does it mean that i lost
am i manipulating u w my failure?
am i the bad guy?

2017-02-22 07:34 pity.txt

                                                                 u almost did it
                                                                  u almost cried
                                                                       look at u
                                                                     ur so close
                                                                   it's pathetic
                                                               ur trying so hard
                                                      y do u want to cry so much
                                                                  isnt it easier
                                                         to just let yrself live
                                                                like u have been
                                                                      not crying
                                                    letting it all roll past you
                                                                who gives a shit
                                                  if u dont care does it matter?
                                                  if u actually start crying now
                                                                is it bc u r sad
                                             or r u reading these back to yrself
                                                                  n feeling pity
                                                            for whoever wrote it
                                                           pretending it wasnt u
                                                                  isnt that sick
                                                         r u disgusted w urself?
                                                                u look disgusted
                                                                     r u scared?
                                                                who wrote these?
                                                                          did u?
                                                              did somebody else?
                                                            what does it mean,,,
                                                                      to be you.

idk.

2017-04-28 13:18 satisfied.txt





                                      are



                                      you



                                  unsatisfied?




2017-02-23 10:01 screen.txt

we moved here over the summer
and obviously it was quite hot
theres no air conditioning for the whole house
so we needed to use the shitty air conditioner that was already here
eventually our great uncle has a spare
so we used that in one room
n the old one in my room

the north facing window in my room doesnt have a screen
which was convenient for the sake of an ac unit

there are three vents in my room
the heat comes right on in
we have no control over the heater
so the neighbor can pump as much in as they want
n i have 3 fucking vents
my room also retains heat quite well
n ive got these fucking computers here
that just make all this fucking heat
n i need to fucking open the windows
in the middle of what should be winter
but global warming
so it feels like spring mid february
but its absurd that i need to let in the winter air
just to be able to sleep

sometimes i look out my north facing window
it faces some trees
theres never really anyone in that area
the area it faces
but i can see outside
w/o having to see any people

there is a tire by the garage
n some litter by the trees
theres often a massive ice pool
during the winter that is
but something that i never really paid attention to
theres a screen out there
theres a fucking window screen
on the ground
right below my window
i could have the north facing window open
but no
the fucking screen is down there
on the fucking ground

2017-02-22 07:19 sleep.txt

i want to sleep

                                                                       y dont u?

idk

                                                                            wat?

idk y, i just dont

                                                               but it is so easy
                                                           u just gotta lay down
                                                                            look
                                                            yr eyes are drooping
                                                      uve got bags under yr eyes
                                                                      just sleep
                                                                             ffs

no

                                                                   wat the hell?

i dont want to

                                                   but u _just_ said u wanted to

idk
im conflicted

                                              wat is there to be conflicted abt?

everything

                                                                it is just sleep
                                                                everyone does it
                                                                      it is fine

i feel like ill die
like
sleep is just beckoning death
like
if i force myself to sleep
couldnt i just as easily
force myself to die?

                                                                              no
                                                                    thats absurd
                                                              totally irrational
                                                                  thats bullshit

fuckin fite me
i feel like
i could die
at any moment
so shouldnt i
just accept it?

                                                                         i mean,
                                                                         u could
                                                 i dont see the harm in learning
                                                                 to accept death

see,
but do i want to?
im still young
why am i
so sad?
why
cant
i
cry?

                                                               r u writing these
                                                       to make yrself depressed?
                                                                             r u
                                                      trying to make yrself cry?

yes.
i think so.
im only realizing it now.

2017-02-22 07:04 stabbing.txt

i want her to sit on top of me
n just fucking stab me

i want her to look me in my eyes
i want her to make me cry
she was the last person to make me cry
i havent cried
since then

it has been nearly two years
since ive actually cried

i want her to make me cry
i want her to do it
lay me down on the floor
sit on my waist
and just stab me repeatedly

im trying to imagine how it feels
to be stabbed
i imagine a lot of stinging
like a deep, pinpointed burning

thered probably be a bit of shock
like a delay in the feeling
but if it was her
id probably already be numb
just from seeing her again

shes not real
she is not real
she isnt real

she
is
not
real

she used to be real
she stopped being real
she has nothing to do with it anymore

i want her to stab me

i want her to be with me

im so alone

pls kill me

2017-02-22 13:29 tired.txt

im tired

                                                          have u tried sleeping?

yes

                                                            did it fix anything?

no
i couldnt even sleep
it was hot in my room
i had a dream

                                                          tell me abt this dream

i dont understand it
it made no sense
ive been working on some things
code and math-wise
n i feel like
thats what i dreamt
i wasnt asleep completely
i could feel myself being
dragged awake
by idk wat
i was too hot
i was following something
focusing on it
but it wasnt real
it was dragging me
i was being dragged
it hurt
mentally
not physically
i was numb
physically
i wasnt scared
but i felt like i should be
it was exhausting

                                                          but you were sleeping?

mb,
idk
is sleep exhausting?
why is everything so,,,
exhausting



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