This post was published as Scene 9 of The Muppets Yakuza
INT. NIGHT - BASEMENT-ESQUE ROOM It’s really dark, like, really pushing the dynamic range on them cinema-grade cameras that cost as much as my college tuition kind of dark, people in the theaters will be complaining about the glare but the content will be so good they’ll forget all their gripes. The room consists mostly of concrete, blood stuffing stained concrete everywhere. Also, it’s dark as shit. One of those industrial work lights turns on and we see SCOOTER hanging from the ceiling, tied there by shoelaces. The laces are tied tightly enough around his limbs that it would cut off circulation if not for him being a muppet. He is facing the floor, and in the center of the room, his head faces stage left. SCOOTER What is- what is this? Where am I? What’s going on? Who are you? Wait, no, I know who you are! I know what’s going on here! You’re sexykink69 from the S and M personals on Craigslist. Dude, I said was totally down for this and to hit me up, but, like, you really seem to have taken the hit and up parts a tad literally here, it’s a phrase, y’know? Like, it just means to contact me. I provided my contact information as well, my E-mail, phone number, address, social security number, fax number, hell, I even threw in my pager number and this is how you treat me? Not cool, this is extremely not cool as hell. I mean, I gotta admit, this is pretty freakin’ hot, but I would have prefered this be in a bit more of a consensual manner and at an appointed time, see, I was just going to this one place to kill some of these fuckin’ guys, these dudes, these bros, I was gonna cut ‘em to bits with my katana, you see. Shit, man, I really gotta get back to that, fuck. Shit, fuck, goddamn it, this really is not a good time, could you cut me loose and let me go for now, I’ll come back later, is there anything you wanted me to grab? Some lube, maybe? I could go get you some coffee? Or some snacks? Some better rope, not to be picky, but this is some uncomfortable rope. No? Nothing. Ok, well, I’ll just be on my way then, good seeing you, man. Goodbye. Can you, could you just,,, please cut me down? ANIMAL appears on screen, coming in from behind the camera toward stage left. As he steps forward he throws his arms into the air and begins shouting. ANIMAL The fuck? No, jesus, what the fuck? God, no. Fucking hell. I’m here to torture the shit out of you to get information about whoever you work for and their whole deal, like, whatever their deal is, I need to know all the details, the deets, I need to know all of them. So we’re going to start torturing you. And, like, since I’m not whoever you think I am from the forum thing or whatever about your fetishes or whatever I don’t really know what sort of stuff will actually convince you and what will just get you off, so we’re going to be doing a bit of experimentation. I’m going to torture you in a bunch of ways and if you look like you’re enjoying yourself and not giving us the information that we want then we’ll move onto another method, got it? SCOOTER Ok, that’s a bit fucked, but I’m game. Tho, one small ‘deet’ about this whole thing. You said ‘actually convince you’ implying that there are some methods of torture that will actually push the tortee to give you information, but it has been proven time and time again that torture does not work as a method of acquisition. In all likelihood, I will die from bloodstuffingloss before I actually tell you anything you need to know. ANIMAL While I do understand your criticism, I do not believe you are in a position to make any valid claims that may contradict my motives. As such, I will continue on with this torture as previously stated. SCOOTER I am not okay with this; however, it has been made abundantly clear that my opinions are irrelevant and therefore I must learn to adapt and accept my fate as it may be. The camera then pans to FOZZIE who was in the corner of the room opposite the camera and toward stage right this whole time, but as it is dark as fuck and there is only a single directional light source it is understandable if the camera’s brightness range does not allow it to capture his figure in the corner. At this point he is the sole focal point and should be in full focus. He is stroking his crowbar at varying intervals, his mouth is foaming and it is clear that his eyes are slowly rolling back into his head as he watches these events unfold before him. FOZZIE Go fer* it, ANI! *This is not a typo, this is a pun, let me live. ANIMAL Let’s begin then. ANIMAL pulls out a pipe wrench and grins at the camera. He lifts up the wrench and wraps it around SCOOTER’s left arm, which is facing the camera. ANIMAL slowly begins to tighten the wrench around SCOOTER’s arm, this does not look painful to the HUMAN audience so SCOOTER should shake about in pain/fear while ANIMAL slightly grimaces. SCOOTER What the fuck do you even- what do you want to fucking know- what the fuck. God- goddammit this fucking hurts! Please! What do you want- ANIMAL Let’s start with the simple questions, to gauge your reactions and just for the records. SCOOTER Ok, that sounds reasonable, I am ready to answer any question that you ask me. ANIMAL leans in (up?) to SCOOTER’s ear, it is his left ear as this is the side of SCOOTER that is most visible to the camera. ANIMAL What is your name? SCOOTER I won’t tell you anything, you sick bastard, take that wrench and shove it right up your goddamn fucking urethra, you fucking shit face monster. SCOOTER spits in the general direction of ANIMAL’s face, he misses as he is upside down and hits the camera which is positioned behind ANIMAL’s head. ANIMAL tightens the wrench further, the camera zooms in on ANIMAL’s hand which is holding the wrench, slowly losing focus, there is an audible snapping noise and the screen begins to fill with white stuffing, but also fading to black. EXT. DAY - SOME NEW ENGLAND BAY A small sail boat is bobbing up and down in an otherwise completely empty bay. This has to be New England because it has that faded/desaturated aesthetic that will really emphasize this scene, I think. Land can be seen off in the distance, but just barely popping up from the horizon so that the audience assumes that there is no way anything on this boat could be heard by anyone that is not on the boat. The camera slowly zooms in on the boat, coming to a stop just above the boat and facing the back, the portion not covered by the roof, and we see SCOOTER tied down to a table. He is clearly missing his left arm and stuffing is leaking through the ropes on his left side. The camera should, like, pan in and slowly tilt down so this position is with the camera facing top-down on the boat, with the bow off screen stage left and the back of the boat ending just inside the frame at stage right, SCOOTER should have be facing upward with his feet facing the bow parallel to the boat. ANIMAL is standing below him on frame, by his right arm. There is country music playing in the background, too loud to imply that it was set for leisure, and since the previous shot established that noise wouldn’t be a problem, the audience should be forced to conclude that it is being used as a form of torture at this point. ANIMAL So, are we willing to talk now? SCOOTER I will never tell you! I won’t say a fucking word! You can’t make me, I will fucking fight you to the death. FUCKING FITE ME. Wait,,, wait,,, what the fuck happened to my fucking arm? Where is my arm? The fuck did you do to me? Let me out! I need my arm! ANIMAL You weren’t cooperating, it forced me to,,, make some decisions about certain limbs and locations of certain torturings. SCOOTER WHAT!? YOU REMOVED MY FUCKING ARM? WHAT THE FUCK HOW IS THAT SUPPOSED TO GET ME TO FUCKING TELL YOU ANYTHING. ANIMAL Well, I mean, like, it isn’t? The normal torture is supposed to get you to talk but the amputation was supposed to,,, uh,,, convince you that the rest of the torture was supposed to work? SCOOTER If it worked so much, then what was the last question you asked me, hmm? ANIMAL I asked for your name. SCOOTER Right, and did you get an answer, do you even know what my name is? Do you even know who I am? ANIMAL You’re Scooter. SCOOTER Shit. I thought torture didn’t work, but here I am, you asked a question and now you have the answer and the only method by which you ever even attempted to acquire this information was by torturing me so I guess I’m going to have to change my opinion on the whole thing. ANIMAL Right, I mean, clearly if so many people in the past and present have chosen torture as a means by which to gather info it has to work, right? That’s just the way things are. Now,,, ANIMAL pulls out a small knife and sticks it between the ropes, the blade parallel to the ropes to make it evident that he is going to cut SCOOTER, not the ropes. ANIMAL ,,,how did you even get into the Yakuza. SCOOTER Shit. shit. Shit. shit. I guess I have to tell you. My uncle owned a theater. ANIMAL What? That makes no sense, that doesn’t answer my question at all! ANIMAL begins to drag the knife along SCOOTER’s stomach. A close up shot showing the stuffing beginning to bubble out of SCOOTER would be perfect here. SCOOTER FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK Let me explain! Theater’s are mostly a cash business! People pay for tickets on the spot! It’s perfect for laundering! So my uncle got dragged into the Yakuza after I got hired on as a stagehand guy that goes and gets stuff for people- ANIMAL A gofer. SCOOTER Yeah, yeah. Anyway, since I was already working there and just doing chores and shit they figured ‘hey, this kid can go do chores and shit for us, the motherfucking yakuza, i mean getting coffee and laundering money are basically the same fucking thing, right!??’ And, like, I guess I’m pretty good at that, too. I mean, sure I was originally only hired because of my uncle and good ol’ nepotism but at least I’m pretty dec at my job as well. ANIMAL Hold up. Nepotism? SCOOTER You know, giving friends and family advantages over strangers in consideration for appointments, tasks, wages, etc.? ANIMAL Yeah, I know what nepotism is, it’s just that some people actually had to work their way up to this point. Like, I had to fucking drag myself out of the slums to get where I am now. I joined a band and with it the underworld, I’ve had to kill so many to get to my standing as it is and you just happened to be related to some fuck who owned a goddamn theater? What the fuck? SCOOTER I mean, I get that it’s a bit fucked up, but maybe you’re overreacting? Like, why did you start torturing me to begin with? ANIMAL Truth is we know everything we needed from you, who you are, who sent you, what your goal was, etc etc. This was an exercise in futility to begin with, I mean, it’s torture for fuck’s sake, all information gathered by torturing is much easier and more ethical to acquire by other means, this was more of a message. We were supposed to record this to intimidate your cohorts, not actually figure out what you wanted. We all want the same thing but for different people, it’s pretty straightforward. But really! Fucking nepotism. Jesus christ! Now, this is personal. SCOOTER Come on, man, we can work something out. Just let me go. Come on! ANIMAL Nah, you’re fate is set. SCOOTER *your ANIMAL begins cutting SCOOTER’s stomach open, cutting very slowly, SCOOTER screams in agony as his stomach is currently being cut open. Stuffing begins to pour out from the ropes. ANIMAL drags the rest of the stuffing out and SCOOTER’s screams begin to turn into a whimper as his consciousness starts to shut down with all the pain he is having to handle. Once SCOOTER is completely flat, ANIMAL reseals him with a couple of strips of duct tape. Liberal use of close up shots would be just dandy here. Timelapse of ANIMAL and FOZZIE sitting on the boat fishing, each time they catch a fish they stuff it into SCOOTER’s deflated body, slowly refilling him. The timelapse ends when ANIMAL begins to struggle to stuff a fish into SCOOTER and they untie him. Close up of his eyes which have stuffing coming out from behind them, maybe this is his brain, idk im not a muppet physician. ANIMAL Well, what do you want me to do with him now? FOZZIE Is he still alive? ANIMAL Yeah, muppets are kind of freaky with this whole survivability thing. Like, if torture doesn’t work on animals and people that die easily I don’t know what we expect with muppets. FOZZIE As previously established we just wanted to intimidate them. ANIMAL Right, but given all that, what do I do with this sack of fish? FOZZIE There any, like, sharks and whatnot out here? ANIMAL I dunno, probably, didn’t JAWS take place somewhere around like Maryland or some shit. FOZZIE That’s probably south of here, unless it was Maine, which would be north. I’m not entirely sure about any of this though. Also, that was a fictional story about a massive fake shark or something, I don’t think we should base our decisions on that. ANIMAL True, true, but we could probably still assume there are sharks or something along those lines out here, it is the ocean after all. FOZZIE Ok, well, I guess even if there were no sharks here, we could just throw him overboard and he’ll either drown or get eaten eventually. ANIMAL unties the ropes around SCOOTER, which are drenched in stuffing. He shakes a bit of it out, but it is hopeless, there is stuffing all over the boat. FOZZIE grabs SCOOTER’s legs and ANIMAL grabs his arms. They heave him over the edge of the boat. Cut to a shot level with the water facing out from the boat, we watch SCOOTER slowly sink, several shark fins pop up in the water heading towards the camera and SCOOTER. ANIMAL Well, now we know that. FOZZIE Yeah,,, have you ever seen Dexter? ANIMAL Shit, yeah, we could have done that instead, that would have been a sure bet. FOZZIE Yeah. Well, whatever. We should probably burn this boat now.