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The Muppets Yakuza (Scene 9)

This post was published as Scene 9 of The Muppets Yakuza

It’s really dark, like, really pushing the dynamic range on them cinema-grade
cameras that cost as much as my college tuition kind of dark, people in the
theaters will be complaining about the glare but the content will be so good
they’ll forget all their gripes. The room consists mostly of concrete, blood
stuffing stained concrete everywhere. Also, it’s dark as shit. One of those
industrial work lights turns on and we see SCOOTER hanging from the ceiling,
tied there by shoelaces. The laces are tied tightly enough around his limbs that
it would cut off circulation if not for him being a muppet. He is facing the
floor, and in the center of the room, his head faces stage left.

            What is- what is this? Where am I? What’s going on? Who
            are you? Wait, no, I know who you are! I know what’s
            going on here! You’re sexykink69 from the S and M
            personals on Craigslist. Dude, I said was totally down
            for this and to hit me up, but, like, you really seem
            to have taken the hit and up parts a tad literally
            here, it’s a phrase, y’know? Like, it just means to
            contact me. I provided my contact information as well,
            my E-mail, phone number, address, social security
            number, fax number, hell, I even threw in my pager
            number and this is how you treat me? Not cool, this is
            extremely not cool as hell. I mean, I gotta admit, this
            is pretty freakin’ hot, but I would have prefered this
            be in a bit more of a consensual manner and at an
            appointed time, see, I was just going to this one place
            to kill some of these fuckin’ guys, these dudes, these
            bros, I was gonna cut ‘em to bits with my katana, you
            see. Shit, man, I really gotta get back to that, fuck.
            Shit, fuck, goddamn it, this really is not a good time,
            could you cut me loose and let me go for now, I’ll come
            back later, is there anything you wanted me to grab?
            Some lube, maybe? I could go get you some coffee? Or
            some snacks? Some better rope, not to be picky, but
            this is some uncomfortable rope. No? Nothing. Ok, well,
            I’ll just be on my way then, good seeing you, man.
            Goodbye. Can you, could you just,,, please cut me down?

ANIMAL appears on screen, coming in from behind the camera toward stage left. As
he steps forward he throws his arms into the air and begins shouting.

            The fuck? No, jesus, what the fuck? God, no. Fucking
            hell. I’m here to torture the shit out of you to get
            information about whoever you work for and their whole
            deal, like, whatever their deal is, I need to know all
            the details, the deets, I need to know all of them. So
            we’re going to start torturing you. And, like, since
            I’m not whoever you think I am from the forum thing or
            whatever about your fetishes or whatever I don’t really
            know what sort of stuff will actually convince you and
            what will just get you off, so we’re going to be doing
            a bit of experimentation. I’m going to torture you in a
            bunch of ways and if you look like you’re enjoying
            yourself and not giving us the information that we want
            then we’ll move onto another method, got it?

            Ok, that’s a bit fucked, but I’m game. Tho, one small
            ‘deet’ about this whole thing. You said ‘actually
            convince you’ implying that there are some methods of
            torture that will actually push the tortee to give you
            information, but it has been proven time and time again
            that torture does not work as a method of acquisition.
            In all likelihood, I will die from bloodstuffingloss
            before I actually tell you anything you need to know.

            While I do understand your criticism, I do not believe
            you are in a position to make any valid claims that may
            contradict my motives. As such, I will continue on with
            this torture as previously stated.

            I am not okay with this; however, it has been made
            abundantly clear that my opinions are irrelevant and
            therefore I must learn to adapt and accept my fate as
            it may be.

The camera then pans to FOZZIE who was in the corner of the room opposite the
camera and toward stage right this whole time, but as it is dark as fuck and
there is only a single directional light source it is understandable if the
camera’s brightness range does not allow it to capture his figure in the corner.
At this point he is the sole focal point and should be in full focus. He is
stroking his crowbar at varying intervals, his mouth is foaming and it is clear
that his eyes are slowly rolling back into his head as he watches these events
unfold before him.

            Go fer* it, ANI!

*This is not a typo, this is a pun, let me live.

            Let’s begin then.

ANIMAL pulls out a pipe wrench and grins at the camera. He lifts up the wrench
and wraps it around SCOOTER’s left arm, which is facing the camera. ANIMAL
slowly begins to tighten the wrench around SCOOTER’s arm, this does not look
painful to the HUMAN audience so SCOOTER should shake about in pain/fear while
ANIMAL slightly grimaces.

            What the fuck do you even- what do you want to fucking
            know- what the fuck. God- goddammit this fucking hurts!
            Please! What do you want-

            Let’s start with the simple questions, to gauge your
            reactions and just for the records.

            Ok, that sounds reasonable, I am ready to answer any
            question that you ask me.

ANIMAL leans in (up?) to SCOOTER’s ear, it is his left ear as this is the side
of SCOOTER that is most visible to the camera.

            What is your name?

            I won’t tell you anything, you sick bastard, take that
            wrench and shove it right up your goddamn fucking
            urethra, you fucking shit face monster.

SCOOTER spits in the general direction of ANIMAL’s face, he misses as he is
upside down and hits the camera which is positioned behind ANIMAL’s head.

ANIMAL tightens the wrench further, the camera zooms in on ANIMAL’s hand which
is holding the wrench, slowly losing focus, there is an audible snapping noise
and the screen begins to fill with white stuffing, but also fading to black.


A small sail boat is bobbing up and down in an otherwise completely empty bay.
This has to be New England because it has that faded/desaturated aesthetic that
will really emphasize this scene, I think. Land can be seen off in the distance,
but just barely popping up from the horizon so that the audience assumes that
there is no way anything on this boat could be heard by anyone that is not on
the boat.

The camera slowly zooms in on the boat, coming to a stop just above the boat and
facing the back, the portion not covered by the roof, and we see SCOOTER tied
down to a table. He is clearly missing his left arm and stuffing is leaking
through the ropes on his left side. The camera should, like, pan in and slowly
tilt down so this position is with the camera facing top-down on the boat, with
the bow off screen stage left and the back of the boat ending just inside the
frame at stage right, SCOOTER should have be facing upward with his feet facing
the bow parallel to the boat. ANIMAL is standing below him on frame, by his
right arm.

There is country music playing in the background, too loud to imply that it was
set for leisure, and since the previous shot established that noise wouldn’t be
a problem, the audience should be forced to conclude that it is being used as a
form of torture at this point.

            So, are we willing to talk now?

            I will never tell you! I won’t say a fucking word! You
            can’t make me, I will fucking fight you to the death.
            FUCKING FITE ME. Wait,,, wait,,, what the fuck happened
            to my fucking arm? Where is my arm? The fuck did you do
            to me? Let me out! I need my arm!

            You weren’t cooperating, it forced me to,,, make some
            decisions about certain limbs and locations of certain


            Well, I mean, like, it isn’t? The normal torture is
            supposed to get you to talk but the amputation was
            supposed to,,, uh,,, convince you that the rest of the
            torture was supposed to work?

            If it worked so much, then what was the last question
            you asked me, hmm?

            I asked for your name.

            Right, and did you get an answer, do you even know what
            my name is? Do you even know who I am?

            You’re Scooter.

            Shit. I thought torture didn’t work, but here I am, you
            asked a question and now you have the answer and the
            only method by which you ever even attempted to acquire
            this information was by torturing me so I guess I’m
            going to have to change my opinion on the whole thing.

            Right, I mean, clearly if so many people in the past
            and present have chosen torture as a means by which to
            gather info it has to work, right? That’s just the way
            things are. Now,,,

ANIMAL pulls out a small knife and sticks it between the ropes, the blade
parallel to the ropes to make it evident that he is going to cut SCOOTER, not
the ropes.

            ,,,how did you even get into the Yakuza.

            Shit. shit. Shit. shit. I guess I have to tell you. My
            uncle owned a theater.

            What? That makes no sense, that doesn’t answer my
            question at all!

ANIMAL begins to drag the knife along SCOOTER’s stomach. A close up shot showing
the stuffing beginning to bubble out of SCOOTER would be perfect here.

            FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK Let me explain! Theater’s are
            mostly a cash business! People pay for tickets on the
            spot! It’s perfect for laundering! So my uncle got
            dragged into the Yakuza after I got hired on as a
            stagehand guy that goes and gets stuff for people-

            A gofer.

            Yeah, yeah. Anyway, since I was already working there
            and just doing chores and shit they figured ‘hey, this
            kid can go do chores and shit for us, the motherfucking
            yakuza, i mean getting coffee and laundering money are
            basically the same fucking thing, right!??’ And, like,
            I guess I’m pretty good at that, too. I mean, sure I
            was originally only hired because of my uncle and good
            ol’ nepotism but at least I’m pretty dec at my job as

            Hold up. Nepotism?

            You know, giving friends and family advantages over
            strangers in consideration for appointments, tasks,
            wages, etc.?

            Yeah, I know what nepotism is, it’s just that some
            people actually had to work their way up to this point.
            Like, I had to fucking drag myself out of the slums to
            get where I am now. I joined a band and with it the
            underworld, I’ve had to kill so many to get to my
            standing as it is and you just happened to be related
            to some fuck who owned a goddamn theater? What the

            I mean, I get that it’s a bit fucked up, but maybe
            you’re overreacting? Like, why did you start torturing
            me to begin with?

            Truth is we know everything we needed from you, who you
            are, who sent you, what your goal was, etc etc. This
            was an exercise in futility to begin with, I mean, it’s
            torture for fuck’s sake, all information gathered by
            torturing is much easier and more ethical to acquire by
            other means, this was more of a message. We were
            supposed to record this to intimidate your cohorts, not
            actually figure out what you wanted. We all want the
            same thing but for different people, it’s pretty
            straightforward. But really! Fucking nepotism. Jesus
            christ! Now, this is personal.

            Come on, man, we can work something out. Just let me
            go. Come on!

            Nah, you’re fate is set.


ANIMAL begins cutting SCOOTER’s stomach open, cutting very slowly, SCOOTER
screams in agony as his stomach is currently being cut open. Stuffing begins to
pour out from the ropes. ANIMAL drags the rest of the stuffing out and SCOOTER’s
screams begin to turn into a whimper as his consciousness starts to shut down
with all the pain he is having to handle. Once SCOOTER is completely flat,
ANIMAL reseals him with a couple of strips of duct tape. Liberal use of close up
shots would be just dandy here.

Timelapse of ANIMAL and FOZZIE sitting on the boat fishing, each time they catch
a fish they stuff it into SCOOTER’s deflated body, slowly refilling him. The
timelapse ends when ANIMAL begins to struggle to stuff a fish into SCOOTER and
they untie him. Close up of his eyes which have stuffing coming out from behind
them, maybe this is his brain, idk im not a muppet physician.

            Well, what do you want me to do with him now?

            Is he still alive?

            Yeah, muppets are kind of freaky with this whole
            survivability thing. Like, if torture doesn’t work on
            animals and people that die easily I don’t know what we
            expect with muppets.

            As previously established we just wanted to intimidate

            Right, but given all that, what do I do with this sack
            of fish?

            There any, like, sharks and whatnot out here?

            I dunno, probably, didn’t JAWS take place somewhere
            around like Maryland or some shit.

            That’s probably south of here, unless it was Maine,
            which would be north. I’m not entirely sure about any
            of this though. Also, that was a fictional story about
            a massive fake shark or something, I don’t think we
            should base our decisions on that.

            True, true, but we could probably still assume there
            are sharks or something along those lines out here, it
            is the ocean after all.

            Ok, well, I guess even if there were no sharks here, we
            could just throw him overboard and he’ll either drown
            or get eaten eventually.

ANIMAL unties the ropes around SCOOTER, which are drenched in stuffing. He
shakes a bit of it out, but it is hopeless, there is stuffing all over the boat.
FOZZIE grabs SCOOTER’s legs and ANIMAL grabs his arms. They heave him over the
edge of the boat. Cut to a shot level with the water facing out from the boat,
we watch SCOOTER slowly sink, several shark fins pop up in the water heading
towards the camera and SCOOTER.

            Well, now we know that.

            Yeah,,, have you ever seen Dexter?

            Shit, yeah, we could have done that instead, that would
            have been a sure bet.

            Yeah. Well, whatever. We should probably burn this boat