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未来がない

By Una Ada (no pronouns), April 27, 2020

There are 13 drafts on this site, every once in a while I fiddle with them a bit just to see if I might ever write anything. Nothing really comes of it, a lot like masturbation in that sense, ha. Just some humor for you. Some of those drafts have been around for years now, one of them is just a revival of one that I started well before anyone knew me, one of them is notes for a podcast episode that will probably never exist.

I quit my job the other day, to the relief of all my friends… I guess I have friends. Gas stations are far from ideal employers, even assuming there is such a thing as a “good employer.” Abolish work, I say. I’m sure I’ll end up talking about that concept in depth some day… or not… because, really, I don’t believe in the future. I never really have.

I’ve been here forever. This month has felt like forever, and before it there were many other months, most of which were the same. I’m supposed to get out of here eventually… but that’s a “future.” What’s a future? That’s just a legal contract to buy or sell things later, right? I’m not promising to sell myself, not promising to buy into happiness, and definitely not signing a contract for either. People are telling me it’ll get better, but isn’t that no different than lying to myself to cope? I’ve been doing that my whole life and I’m still here, am I not?

“Here.” I keep saying “here.” Where the fuck am I? In a room in a house in a city in a state in a country on a continent on a planet in a solar system in a galaxy in a supercluster somewhere in the universe? That’s kind of fucked up. It also doesn’t tell me anything, I doubt it tells anyone anything. You exist! Wow! Congratulations! Welcome to life and its physical manifestations. I’m alive and I fucking hate it.

But hey, who isn’t sad these days? I’m not special. Everyone else has all the same problems. That makes me feel so much better. I’m not alone in my suffering, but I am alone. That was sarcasm, by the way, it doesn’t make me feel better at all. Frankly, it’s invalidating. “Everyone has problems, get over it.” “Actually, my problems are worse than yours, you’ll manage.” Okay, thanks. Fuck me for being sad, I guess. I know, I’m pathetic. I’m worthless! All I do is complain and never do anything to help myself. If it make you feel any better, I also complain that I can never manage to help myself. Quite the feedback loop.

Speaking of feedback loops, supposedly if I don’t take my hormones consistently it can cause mood swings. But I already have mood swings, so I don’t really take them consistently… probably just making them worse, but fuck if I can do anything about it. It’ll be six months since I started HRT soon, in the future, the sixth of May, specifically. I’ll run out then. I don’t think I’ll be able to get a refill, I can’t even find a doctor.

I had insurance for maybe a week this year. It was thru work, but I had to wait a couple months after getting my job back before it would start. Then I quit. I don’t have a clue if it would have helped, I doubt it would have covered much. There was dental, tho… I really want to fix my teeth. I managed to see a dentist last year. He lectured me quite a bit. Fair enough, my teeth are fucked. I’m a worthless piece of shit who can’t take care of myself. Haha. Even with insurance it would have cost a couple grand just to take care of the more outstanding issues. Not like I don’t have money, what would I even spend it on otherwise? Rent, caffeine, nicotine, alcohol, just fucking give it away because anybody else probably needs it more than me.

“What about food!?” everyone will cry out. Why would I spend money on something I don’t need? I haven’t eaten today and I’m just fine. I don’t eat most days. Even if I did eat, I don’t need to pay for it. I’m not the one that doesn’t want me to starve to death, that’s everyone else, they can take on that financial burden.

Just force me to stay alive, I’ll just suffer.

It’s fine to be selfish. I don’t have a problem with anyone wanting me to live on for their own satisfaction… I just ask that they actually give a single fuck about me. A lot of people just seem to want me to stick around just to keep on suffering on. Not all, sure, but nobody’s really convinced me that it’s worth it on my own.

I’m not going to kill myself, by the way.

This is starting to sound a bit like a suicide note or something, but I assure you that I’m too much a god damn coward to act on anything here. I might neglect myself to death, but I lack the volition to slit my wrists, find a beam sturdy enough to hang myself from (wouldn’t be too hard, I only weight like 100lbs at this point), walk all the way to the ever so popular suicide bridge, or even just swallow a bit more than the recommended dose. Don’t worry, I think about it all the time, but I’m not going to kill myself.

I just can’t imagine myself being alive next week. I just don’t believe in the future. Try to get me to make promises so I’ll live long enough to see them thru, ignore the fact that breaking promises is one of the few joys in my life. Failing, giving up, destroying everything, making people hate me, hurting myself… that’s all that gets me off these days.

Sure, sometimes I get a little manic. I’ll flirt, I’ll write, I’ll make some art that one or two people will say looks neat, and then I’ll crash, hard. It’s what I imagine waking up alone when you expect there to be someone feels like. Not that I’ve ever experienced that, lol. I get my couple hours of nightmares in and I wake up just as alone as I started. So maybe it isn’t exactly the same, it isn’t abandonment, it’s being reminded of the loneliness that was always there.

It’s a funny loneliness. Like it feels too late for people to be there for me, it starts hurting and people will show up and I just want them to fuck off. That might just be an attempt to protect some fragile worldview, like “Nooo! I’m alone! Don’t lie to me and tell me otherwise!” Or maybe it’s something deeper. Personally, I think it’s somewhere between seeing all socialization as just others taking pity on me and thinking I’m just using others as a coping mechanism rather than actually not being lonely anymore.

かまってちょーだい~!
かまってちょーだい~!
ほっといてくれぇぇぇ!

I’m just messy like that, so maybe it’s better for people to just not bother with me. I’ll just end up hurting you eventually, so just get over me now. I’m sure everyone will be fine without me. I won’t be fine without them, but what’s that matter? People need to take care of themselves more, make better decisions than getting involved with me.

You know what this entire month has felt like? When I snapped and just spiraled down into my constitutional depression? Like I’ve been playing pretend for the past three years to get people to care about me. That’s what really got me at first, the realization that I haven’t changed at all since high school. I’m still a pathetic piece of shit that obsesses over girls that’ll never live up to the perfect image I project onto them. I still crave constant attention from people who really don’t need that burden, and writhe in pain when I don’t get it.

Attributing value to people, judging their worth, et cetera, is all workerist ideology, really. So “worthless” is maybe not the best term. The politically correct term must be “burden.” That’s what I am, what I’ve been pretending not to be. But hey, lie to yourself so it’s easier to lie to others! Just one day that’ll come crumbling down on you. Classic “boy” who cried wolf shit.

Apologies to my former therapist, I’m not as good a liar as I thought I was.

People can change, I believe that… somewhat. I’m just incapable of anything like that. Everyone keeps telling me that I’ll be happier some day. When I live in a more stable situation, when I’m surrounded by people who care about me. It’s a nice ideal; a fantasy, really. I’ve got a lot of those, I lay in the ashes of unfulfilled fantasies all the time.

The big fantasy that’s been in vogue as of late is society collapsing. It’s almost funny to me at this point. Everything goes to shit and people will open their eyes to how fucked the system was the whole time and move past it. Wait, no, stop “Heil”ing Hitler! Nooo~ that’s not what we meant! It’s the dream of every quote unquote intellectual that one day everyone will see that you were the correct one. “Open your eyes, sheeple!” It’s fucking stupid. There is no future and there sure as hell isn’t one like that. You have to fight, you have to win… I just don’t have the energy for any of that.

Best case scenario everything goes back to normal. Maybe I’ll even pretend to be alright again, get everyone off my back. But that isn’t how things are right now. Pray for the future all you want, I won’t. Jack off to your little fantasy of a bright future, sure, just leave me the fuck out of it. Look on with your sparkling eyes of hope, I just don’t give a damn anymore.

I don’t know, it’s not like I believe we’re at the end or anything. That’s just another fantasy I can’t hold onto. All I really know is that nothing ever gets better, I’m alone, my thighs are adorable, and I really have to piss right now.